


The Legion of the Dead (or Why Levi Hates His Job)

by Kerryopia



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eren likes Doritos a lot probably, Erwin is good at being the boss even though he ded, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Levi is Death, M/M, No actual dying occurs we skip that part, Sassy Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), angry ball of fluff Levi, like he is actually Death, sass-master Erwin, started off serious and then went horribly wrong fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 12:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4391297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerryopia/pseuds/Kerryopia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Of course not,” the dark-haired man said, “If it were women you were into, I would have sent Petra.”</p><p>“What?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Legion of the Dead (or Why Levi Hates His Job)

**Author's Note:**

> do you know how long it took me to write this do you even know

Erwin Smith didn’t consider himself a particularly pious man. Perhaps, by the standards of others, he could be. After all, here he was alone in a church at six in the afternoon, when other men would have come home from work and sat down to dinner and some evening television.

He loosened his tie, leant his elbows on his knees. He’d landed the promotion of a lifetime; he’d brought a flagging department from lowest performer to top in less than a year. By the standards of others, he had everything.

It was strange, this needing to compare his achievements not by the achievements of others, but by what others would consider to _be_ achievements. Erwin Smith wasn’t like other men. His ability to charm others, to bring them to his side, was his core strength, and yet when it came to _other people, other men_ , he had no idea how to _be_ like them. He knew their mannerisms and their moods and what they would probably do after a long day at work, but he saw these things as one would look in from a window.

Erwin Smith was alone. Only his father had understood him, once, but he was long gone, cold in the ground like all the others awaiting their eventual judgement. In a way; though he would never say it aloud; his isolation was a blessing and a curse. Acquaintances thought him charming, ‘friends’ called him a master manipulator. More than once he’d considered that he may suffer from some form of psychosis.

After all, one of those things he’d seen as a mannerism, something he himself lacked, was people’s irrepressible _faith_. The need to _believe_ in something bigger than themselves; some benevolent father figure. It was something he had no need for.

But here he was.

“Why a church?”

Erwin blinked. He turned in the pew, the waxed mahogany smooth under his palms.

“It’s always a church. I didn’t peg you for pious.”

At the end of the aisle behind Erwin, stood a figure. Small in stature, it might have easily been mistaken for female, but the voice that came from it was distinctly male, deep and sure. The great oak door behind him was closed, though Erwin hadn’t heard it open to let the figure in. He’d been sure he was alone when he went in to the church.

He appraised the figure, then turned back to face towards the parapet. “I haven’t been to church since I was a teenager,” he agreed gently. His tie still felt a little tight – he hooked his finger into the knot and loosened it further.

“I thought you’d be more surprised.”

“Really?” Erwin hummed.

The figure huffed, more of a grunt than a laugh. “No, not really. I don’t think you’ve ever had it in you to be surprised.”

“Even in a situation like this?”

“Even in a situation like this,” the figure affirmed. “You coming?”

Erwin didn’t answer, or even turn around, but he felt the figure come closer. He came to sit on the pew beside him. He was definitely short, even when sitting, and beneath the heavy, billowing grey cloak he wore – burlap, perhaps? – he crossed his legs, the cloak falling apart slightly to show pale, darkly haired flesh. His feet were bare.

In fact, Erwin mused as his gaze travelled upwards; the cloak’s overly large hood draped open around the man’s shoulders, exposing the sharp jut of his collarbones, and surprisingly muscular pectorals. For all appearances, it seemed that beneath the cloak this man was entirely nude.

“You’re not what I expected, though,” Erwin said.

“Of course not,” the dark-haired man said, “If it were women you were into, I would have sent Petra. Or maybe Hanji, just to fuck with you a little.”

“What?”

The man shrugged. “Personal joke, I guess.”

“How tall are you?”

“Funny,” the man said, sounding entirely displeased, “I get that a lot.”

“Humour me.”

“I humour a lot of people. Everyone thinks I owe them something. If not an explanation, then to play twenty questions like a couple of dumb teenagers.”

Erwin’s lips twitched in a smile despite himself.

There were a lot of things he wanted to ask, really. For the man to take off his hood, why he was here, what was in store for him beyond this moment, if this was some test.

Instead, he asked, “Is this church even real?”

The man hummed, sounding a little more amiable than he had earlier. “Yes, we’re still here on Earth. You can go frolic in the daisies if that’s what you’re into. That or go try and find your family and cry a bit. Most people do that.”

“I thought you already knew what I was into.”

The man huffed, but from beneath the hood Erwin saw his lips curl up. “Where’s the screaming? The crying that it isn’t fair? I’m on the clock here. I don’t need one-liners.”

Erwin was amused, again despite himself. “I thought you knew me?”

“Better than anyone,” the man affirmed, without the slightest embarrassment. “It gets a little sickening dealing with the same old shit from you people, but I’d really rather you have your existential crisis so I can go already.” He hitched a thumb back towards the door. “Daisies are that way.”

“I think I’d rather stay here.”

“Really? You don’t know how many people end up sticking around just to people-watch.”

 _Is that where ghosts come from?_ “I’m sure I can imagine.”

The man licked his thumb, then made as if he was flicking through an imaginary textbook. “The test here determined that that was a lie.”

Erwin snorted out of pure surprise. Actually _snorted._ “You like talk shows?”

“I do,” the man confirmed, again without embarrassment. Erwin vaguely wondered if he was entirely unflappable. “Every day I’m more and more certain I’ve gauged the full extent of human stupidity, and yet over and over it seems the universe is determined to prove me wrong.”

Erwin laughed. It felt good, like he hadn’t laughed in years.

Maybe he hadn’t.

“You haven’t,” the man said. “And it’s Levi.”

“I – pardon?”

“You haven’t laughed. In about three years.”

“How –“ He stopped himself. “I’m not sure why I’m surprised.”

The man – Levi – shrugged, apparently unconcerned. “It makes life easier. People die who are deaf, who go into shock and can’t speak, are mute…” he made like he was listing them off on his fingers. “And people lie when they think it’s all going to end. It’s easier this way.”

Erwin nodded, a little dumbstruck. “I see.”

“No, you don’t.”

He blinked.

Levi sighed, and tapped his temple. Erwin wanted to pull the hood away, just to see his face properly. All he could see was the curve of his jaw, his small, thin-lipped mouth. He’d never seen shadows so dark as the ones beneath Levi’s hood.

“You’ve got something, Erwin Smith,” he said, and Erwin stilled. “Maybe you’ve got Aspergers, maybe you’re a psychopath, I’m not a doctor – If you’re a psychopath, you’re not the murdering kind,” he added quickly, as Erwin opened his mouth to… what? Protest? He’d suspected as such all his life anyway. “You’d be the top-business-executive kind. The makes-tonnes-of-money kind. You understand people, but you don’t _get_ people.”

He didn’t say anything in response, once silence fell again. He wasn’t sure that he could.

“And on that note, if you’re not going to frolic in the aforementioned daisies, I suppose we can get down to business. I mean, I’d rather do it in the Elsewhere, but if you still feel like chatting, we can do it here.”

“Pardon?” Erwin repeated, feeling more stupid than he ever had in his entire life. Reasonably, he supposed he should be allowed to feel at least a little stupid. He _was_ dead, wasn’t he?

Thinking it felt like it had occurred to someone else. Like all things, it was as if looking in through a window.

Levi startled him by snapping his fingers in front of his face. “Smith. Contemplations later. You had your chance.”

“Erwin,” Erwin said dumbly, blinking very slowly. His eyes drifted somewhere into the middle distance. _A psychopath. It was true._ “I – you can –“

“Yes. Erwin. Fine. Eyes on me, blondie.”

He felt like his eyes only drew back to Levi by sheer magnetism. “I –“

“Deep breaths, Erwin.” He flicked his hands again, eyes serious, and at that point Erwin realised that Levi hadn’t been playing pretend when he’d been leafing through a textbook. It seemed he really was looking through something, unseen.

“Listen. I have this _garbage_ to read to you. Erwin Smith,” Levi started, in the dull tones of someone reading a particularly boring set of papers. “I, on behalf of the Elsewhere, would like to formally recruit you into the Legio – oh, fuck it. Fuck this.” He dropped the invisible _whatever it was,_ and Erwin actually saw dust puff off of the floor as it hit the ground. He turned to Erwin, uncrossing his legs, and stood up.

“I don’t –“ Erwin began.

“I can’t believe we call ourselves the Legion of – _ugh._ It’s a fucking embarrassment. I refuse.”

“Are you – _ranting?_ ”

Levi snorted, already beginning to pace along the edge of the pew. His bare feet made delicate noises with each step, despite the apparent muscle of his body. “Of course I’m ranting. This was Hanji’s idea, that shitty –“

“I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“The _name,_ ” Levi spat. “It’s been twenty years and I still can’t do it!” He stomped to the parapet and then back again, picking up the invisible book. He leafed through it with barely concealed haste. “Look at this shit. ‘ _I, blah blah blah, would like to formally recruit you into the Legion of the Dead –_ are you even seeing this? It’s like the title of some kind of fucking horror game – _to attend to the recently deceased, (Read: dead)_ – like people are too stupid to know what _deceased_ means – _and help them pass on to the Ether…_ Jesus Christ. I can’t do it. This is bullshit.”

“I… see this is a subject you feel very strongly about,” Erwin said thickly, trying his hardest not to smile.

“Don’t you sass me, Smith,” Levi spat. He snapped the book shut in his hand. “I’m recruiting your blond ass. Say yes or no.”

His shoulders were starting to shake with how badly he wanted to laugh at Levi’s frazzled attitude. “Do you… do you have a union you can bring your concerns up with?”

“Oh my god, go _fuck_ yourself,” Levi groaned, and Erwin couldn’t help it. A laugh bubbled out of him like it had been lodged in his throat, just waiting to escape. “I can’t do this! First some shitty psycho giant wastes my time with his _shitty_ one-liners, then I have to read this _dreck,_ then the same shitty psycho giant gets a good laugh out of my torment. Great. I should have said no when I was offered this job. What a fucking moron I was.”

Erwin blinked, as Levi started to rant about ‘I’d punch the old me in the face if I could’. He held up his hand, as if that could stop Levi in his tracks.

And, strangely, it did.

“ _You_ were recruited?”

If the deep shadows weren’t covering up most of Levi’s face, he might have expected Levi to blink back at him in surprise. Instead, he simply saw Levi’s mouth slacken momentarily, and then tighten in an even thinner line than before.

“We’re all recruited. What, you thought I was some big bad demon?”

Despite everything he’d ever thought about himself when he was alive, Erwin’s mouth twitched upwards. “Well, ‘big’ would –“

“ _No!_ ” Levi shouted, pointing at Erwin with a trembling finger. He stabbed it in the air like he meant to stab _him._ “No! I refuse to accept short jokes. You know what’s short? My _temper._ I can slap you if I want. No one can stop me. This is my jurisdiction.”

“Will I be working with you?”

“I – what?” Levi stilled, his arm stilling as abruptly as he’d shot it in the air. It started to dip down. “Say that again?”

Erwin smiled his best politician’s smile. He could physically _see_ Levi’s temper dampening with puzzlement. “If I accept. Will I work with you?”

“Well… yeah…” The arm finally dropped, disappearing into the depths of his robe. He looked very small like this. “Initially. I mean – we’ll always… there’s like, a staffroom…”

Erwin tried to imagine a staffroom full of cloaked Deaths with scythes, smoking and drinking Styrofoam cups of coffee, and snorted.

“ _Smith_ ,” Levi spat.

“Sorry. I just –“

“Deaths with scythes. Coffee. I can see it. Stop thinking it.”

“But –“

“Smith. I am warning you.”

“Then – then yes. I – yes.” He’d never stammered so much in his life. “I – that sounds good. Working. With you I mean.”

Levi’s shoulders dropped almost imperceptibly. “Thank God. Right. Now I just need you to sign your name in blood…”

“What?”

“I’m just kidding, Erwin. This church is freaking me out. Let’s go.”

Erwin stood up. “Churches… freak you out?”

Levi began to walk them to the door. “I also burn and hiss when confronted with the cross.”

The hood was making it impossible for Erwin to read him. As the door opened, he squinted. “Are you being serious?”

“Of course I’m not, you giant walking catastrophe. Come on.”

They stepped out into the Elsewhere, and then they were gone.

 

 

**Epilogue**

 

 

“I refuse.”

“Levi.”

“You’re not the boss of me!”

“I think you’ll find he _is_ the boss of you,” Hanji said with no small amount of glee, laying out their hand. Eren cursed loudly, handing over his bag of Doritos.

“Commander…” Eren whined, drooping his head. The picture of Dorito-less and defeated.

“Hanji won fair and square,” Petra told him. Hanji winked at her.

“Ref!” Eren protested, staring at Oluo like he might save him.

“Denied!” Oluo shouted, swinging his arm down like it was a wrestling match. “Proceed with the game.”

“I refuse!”

“ _Levi._ ”

“Mr Captain, Mr Commander, sirs ~“ Hanji sang. “Kindly shut up and let me bask in my glory.” They tore in to their newly acquired prize. “I want to make it _rain._ ”

“No throwing Doritos around the staffroom,” Erwin sighed, exasperated. Levi was visibly sulking beside him.

“The _staffroom,_ ” Hanji snorted. “I’ll never get tired of that one.”

“Shut your damn mouth, shitty-glasses. I called it that _one_ time.”

“And our dear Commander hasn’t stopped saying it since ~”

Levi’s face was turning a fierce shade of red when Erwin held up his hands.

“Eyes on me, Levi. We’re going.”

“I refuse! I am not calling us that! I have dealt with this for _twenty years_!”

“We had a democratic vote,” Erwin reminded him. “Majority rules.”

“ _I. Refuse!_ ”

Erwin sighed. “I didn’t vote with the majority. This wasn’t my decision. But we must accept the rules we promised to adhere to.”

“We’re _dead._ Who ever heard of _democratic dead people_?”

“Ooh, I like that, actually. Let’s vote again,” Hanji chirped.

“No. No! I won’t do it!”

“Levi…”

“No matter how many times you say my name, I won’t change my mind!” Levi’s eyes glowed like embers, his robe billowing around him with his rage. Petra delicately shielded Eren’s eyes.

“Is this a –“ Oluo lowered his voice, tilting his head like he might see up Levi’s robe if he did. “ – _Boss fight?_ ”

Erd smacked him, and Oluo bit his tongue, squealing.

“Thank you, Erd.”

“No blood on the carpet!”

“ _Snitch._ ”

Hanji crushed up a Dorito on the table, and pretended to snort it like cocaine. Eren looked down at the mess balefully. “Best three out of five?” he murmured hopefully.

Hanji’s eyes glimmered. “ _Yes. Nice._ You’re _on_ , buddy.”

“You’re just teasing him because you wanted him to play cards with you some more,” Petra tutted, but she was smiling.

“I refuse!” Levi spat, as Erwin tried to physically drag him toward the door.

“Hey, isn’t Jeremy Kyle on? Let’s watch that.”

“No. _No._ Smith, that’s my show. _Smith. Erwin!_ ”

“I’ll tape it for you!” Hanji crowed.

“Who _tapes_ anymore?”

“There’s no TiVo when you’re dead.”

Levi screeched. “Erwin, for God’s sake – Christ, Hanji, fine, tape it for –“

The door slammed shut behind them.


End file.
